I was one day.  And found out quite by accident how to exchange the ugly … for the lovely.

~~~

I stomped to my room, slammed the door and pounded my fists at God.

• God, I hate him!  I hate this!  I hate ME!
• I hate acting like this!  I hate feeling like this!
• I hate being so … UGLY!!!
• God, please take my ugly and give me something lovely from you!
• I am NOT leaving this room until you do!

I ranted and raved like that for half an hour.  I was shocked at the rage pouring out of me and how horribly ugly I could be.  I felt hopeless.   Would I EVER change?

I could have kept screaming like that for hours, but a calmness began to creep over me.  And I became quiet … in a presence I’d never felt before.

It was just so … lovely.

The loveliest, sweetest presence I’d ever felt in my life came into the room.  Oh, so precious.  I just sat down and let it surround me.  And fill me.

I had no idea God was soooo … beautiful.

Oh!  It felt so good to feel that.  To have my hot anger and frustration and temper just melt away in the pool of sweet delight.

Ever since that day several years ago, I’ve learned to pray for the exchange of what is ugly in me … for what is lovely in Him.

And I had to pray for it again today.

~~~

I left church this morning still filled with the ugliness I was feeling.  You know, the thing that feels so good to indulge in … but leaves you feeling worthless and ashamed?

• God, I hate this!  How can I call myself a Christian?
• Will I EVER change?
• Why am I still dealing with this?
• What will it TAKE to win this battle?

So, off on a prayer drive I went.  South on I-71.  Just soaking in the rays of the warm sun.  Leaning into my window to feel the light on my face.  I thought that if I could just soak in the light of Jesus like that, it would heal me. 

And that’s when I remembered what He told me one day,

“If you’ll surrender everything to me,
I’ll make you the woman you’ve always wanted to be.”

Oh yeah, I’d forgotten.  It’s about an exchange.

So, I quit fighting it.  And surrendered it.

Did I feel that lovely presence again?  No, not like that first time.  But it did feel like the sun … warm, pure, and shining right on me. 

Yes, the more I give to Him of myself … the more of Himself He gives to me.

~~~

What are you struggling with today that is ugly?

Give it to Jesus.
 He has something lovely to give you in exchange.

His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.  (Song of Solomon 5:16 NIV)

Things are kind of hectic in my life right now.  That’s why I haven’t been able to post for over a week.  My work load has greatly picked up during the day, my internship responsibilities are growing, and I am competing in my local Toastmasters speech contests again.

So … I thought I’d let you know that I’m going to take a little break from posting new content for a little while.  But also want you to know that I have started a new blog on my own domain name.  This gives me more flexibility in design and more people are able to find it on the internet, thanks to some special friends who are promoting it for me!  Yeah! 

What I plan to do is transfer all of the posts from this blog format onto the new blog over the next few weeks, rewriting (and hopefully improving!) them as I go.  If you’d like to catch me on that blog, most of the posts will be re-runs, but freshly written.  Once all these posts are transferred, I will be closing down this wordpress blog and using the new blog.

My new blog format is at AnitaEmerson.com.

As always, I value our conversation.  I’d love to hear from you as to what you think, what you’d like to see discussed on the blog, and how you’d like to see things develop. 

Hope to see you there!

Anita

I asked that question, and many more, in the days after Wes died. 

And that’s when the butterfly came to mind.

 ~~~

“How do I start over?!”
“How do I grieve in a healthy way?”
“My kids are grown.  My husband is gone.  What do I do NOW?!”

Have you ever struggled to figure out what to do with the pain a loss brings?

Even a small loss has pain.  Let alone a big one.

Hey!  I’m just wondering … did I miss the class on how to heal?  Was it in middle school?

“Okay, children, listen up.  This is what you do when your heart is hurt.  These simple steps, and you will always heal well from any kind of loss.”

Was it in college?  “Basic Grieving Skills 101″ or “Advanced Transformation Tactics After a Loss”? 

Not hardly.

I didn’t have a C-L-U-E on how to grieve.  So, of course, I never did it.  I did what you probably do … I stuffed it.

Each one, large or small, went down into the dark well of hurts.  And very quickly got covered up again with the cement lid!  I guess I figured if I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t feel it. 

But, of course, they always crept back out again, the little buggers.  At the most inopportune moments, their malicious tentacles would come flying out of that well, wrap around me and sting me all over.  How do they DO that??  You can’t keep ‘em down!

So, I would complain.  Make vows to never let that person hurt me again.  Resolve to be even more in control of my life to avoid those hurts.

Did any of these tactics work for you?  No?  Well, they didn’t work for me, either.

But I found something that does …

~~~

You would never think to look at a caterpillar that it could EVER become a butterfly, would you?

But it does.  It goes through a transformation that changes it from being one thing – a kinda ugly little creature with limited mobility – to something of exceptional beauty and freedom, with the ability to fly for thousands of miles under extreme conditions much to the amazement of everyone.

In the same way, you would never think a loss in your life could EVER become something of beauty and value, would you?

But it can.  If you’ll let it.

And it works pretty much like the transformation of a butterfly.

~~~

First, you must be willing to go through …

1.  The Cocoon Phase

As soon as you experience a loss, grief wraps itself around you like a cocoon.  So, like the caterpillar in his cocoon, just sit there.  Let it happen.  Feel it.  Go though it.

Most people do anything to avoid pain.  Duh!  Who wouldn’t?  That would make sense, wouldn’t it?

But what happens to Mr. Caterpillar who doesn’t stay in his cocoon?  Sure, he can refuse the process.   Eat his way out.  Claw his way out.  And yes, he’s still a caterpillar.  But he’s not the same, is he?  And neither are you.  Why?  Because you soon find out that you are crippled … for life.  Things don’t function like they used to.

You see, loss changes you, like it or not.  Either for the worse or for the better.

But have you ever experienced the joy of seeing yourself changed into something else?  It’s a good feeling, huh?

Some say,

“No pain, no gain.”
or
“The pain was worth it.”

I just like being able to say,

“Whaddya know?  I’m actually a better person now!”

Once you have let the cocoon do its healing work, the next step is to be willing to go through …

2.  The Struggling Phase

Ever watched a butterfly emerge from her cocoon?  It is a long, hard process!  She struggles and struggles for hours to get her new big body out through a very small hole.  But it is precisely that struggle that completes her transformation process.

Whenever some gentle, loving soul tries to make it easier on the butterfly by opening up the hole so she can easily glide out … guess what happens?  She dies!  The struggle is essential.

Have you ever gone through the struggle of learning new skills and new ways of thinking in order to move forward in your life?  To accomplish a goal?

The end was worth the struggle, wasn’t it?

After you’ve successfully navigated the struggling phase, one last phase awaits you …

3.  The Waiting Phase

And what does our glorious new butterfly do once she has exited her cocoon?  Immediately fly off into the sunset?

Nope.  She hangs on to the cocoon for hours.  Just … waiting.

What is going on?  The blood is pulsing into her wings.  Wings that were weak and wet and crumpled when she came out … must become strong and straight and ready for flight.

You see, it takes T-I-M-E to practice your new skills before you are confident and strong enough to fly off into the new world you have been given. 

~~~

Most people avoid the pain of loss and are thus crippled by it.

Most people avoid the work required to learn new skills and new ways of thinking after a loss changes their lives.

And most people don’t wait long enough to develop their strength in preparation for living a new life.

~~~

How do you choose to respond to pain when a loss comes?

 Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!  (Deuteronomy 30:19 NLT)

Whether you have received the sweetest of gifts today … or nothing at all …

There is Someone who wants to romance you.

Here is what the Lord showed me one day … about how He feels for me.

~~~

September 17, 2009

The grief was deep last night.  I haven’t felt this kind of pain for a while.  Perhaps it’s because this is the second year … and I’m finally having to accept that Wes is REALLY gone and he’s NOT coming back.

I felt so insecure.  I wanted to do anything to run away from this pain.  I was trying to figure out how to cope with it, but finally just asked God to please touch me with his love.

Then, as I was driving into work this morning, I noticed how sunny and beautiful it was outside.  It felt like the Lord was saying,

“Enjoy the sunshine.  Not just physically, but in your heart.  Let my love shine into your heart.  Feel its warm rays.  You don’t have to struggle and strive to get through your pain.  All you need to do … is relax and enjoy my loving embrace.  It’s my love that brings the needed healing.”

“Your loving embrace?  Yeah, right Lord.  I’m not feeling it!  The sunshine is nice, but I really don’t care.  My heart is cold.  Help me to feel your love, Lord.  The warmth of your love.”

That’s when my favorite country songs came to mind.  And somehow, it seemed like the Lord Himself was the One singing to me.  As I listened, my lips broke into a half-grin, my face flushed … and my heart was warmed.

~~~

Your Man
by Josh Turner

-the Lord romances me
-he locks the door and turns the lights down low
-he puts on the music soft and slow
-he has no other place to go
-he has been thinking about me all day long
-he’s never felt a feeling quite this strong
-he’s turned on to be my man
-he takes his time with me
-he wants me to come a little closer
-he wants to go over what he has in mind
-ain’t nobody ever loved nobody the way the Lord loves me
-he wants me to be alone with him
-he has wanted to be with me for a long time

Firecracker
by Josh Turner

-when the Lord looks in my eyes, sparks start flying
-the Lord likes it when I enjoy his love
-the way I enjoy his love is a beautiful thing to him
-we’re a match made in heaven
-we’ve got a good thing going and it feels so right
-I’m the light of his life

Would You Go With Me?
by Josh Turner

-the Lord asks me to go with him
-he wants to roll down streets of fire with me
-he wants to roll from town to town and never shut it down
-the Lord loves me so and asks “Would you go with me?”
-he wants me to hold on to him tighter
-he wants to be lost in fields of clover with me
-he wants to ride the clouds together with me
-when he sets me free, he asks “Would you go with me?”
-he wants me to help him tie up the ends of a dream
-he wants me to accompany him to the edge of the sea
-he wants us to walk even closer until the trip is over
-the Lord exclaims, “I gotta know! Would you go with me?”
-the Lord gives me his hand and asks if I will take it
-he says if I take his hand, it would make him the happiest man in the world
-he says, “My heart can’t beat one more minute without you, girl!”
-the Lord says, “I love you.  So … would you go with me?”

She’s Everything
by Brad Paisley

-I am everything the Lord has ever wanted
-I am everything the Lord needs
-he talks about me and goes on and on
-I am “everything” to him
-he thinks I look great in anything I wear
-he accepts my moods and temperament
-he wouldn’t miss a conversation with me for nothin’
-he accepts the variety of things I like and dislike
-he loves my personality
-he keeps a picture of me close to his heart
-he holds my hand as I’m praying
-he prays for me
-he sings about me
-he loves to hear my voice
-he wants to be with me when I’m 90
-he loves me more every day that passes
-I’m the one he laid down his life for

~~~

And I thought my husband was mushy!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Lord has chosen you … and invites you to live near him.  (Ps. 65:4)

That’s how I felt one day when I asked my daughter to join me for breakfast.

But she was too busy.  She had lots to do.  And plans with friends.

Now, I know that it is normal behavior for a teenager (she was 17 at the time) to prefer their friends over their parents.  And I am not the clingy sort of parent at all.  But it did sting.

I wanted so much to listen to her, enjoy her, and just bless her.  It wouldn’t have taken long.  Only an hour.  Then she could run off and do all the stuff she had planned.  But keeping company with me just wasn’t on her priority list.

So, I went to the park instead.  And poured out my heart to the Lord. 

“Lord, I love her!  I just wanted to be with her for an hour.  Why couldn’t she take the time to be with me? Was I asking so much?”

I was caught off guard by His response.

“Yes, I know.  That is how I feel about you.”

“Whaaaat?” 

As I spent that hour with the Lord instead, I felt like this was what He said to me:

~~~

Only An Hour

It was only an hour I wanted to spend
With you, my beloved, friend with friend.
To speak of our dreams, to plan, and to talk
To eat and to drink, and talk of whatnot.

But you couldn’t wait, you couldn’t stay
For you had much to do that day.
Do you not love me enough to stay
Only an hour before you play?

Come away, my love, and let us partake
Of friendship delights none else can make.
Show me your mind, your thoughts, and your fears
I’ll listen intently.  I’ll share your tears.

It was only an hour I wanted with you
But you were too busy with things you must do.
I asked you to join me, but you couldn’t wait
For even an hour to start your day.

I could see you felt guilty, half wanting to stay
But so many things drew you away.
My heart felt the pinch, my eyes swelled with tears
For you did not love me as much as your peers.

Can you not spare an hour for me
Before you run off to do as you please?
Do I ask so much that you cannot give
What is an hour with so much to live?

Only an hour is all it would take
If you’d stay with me, a change it would make.
I would listen and love as only I can
To you, my beloved, and show you my plan.

I promise its value is more than it seems
For only an hour I give every thing.
All comfort and joy, all wisdom and help
I give you, my darling, when you give me your self.

Things that cannot be bought or contrived
No one in the world gives so freely as I.
One thing I ask, the thing you can give
Spend an hour with me each day that you live.

I love you true and you’ll love me, too
When you see for yourself what an hour can do.

~~~

The Lord is waiting for you.

Do you have time for Him?

So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion.  (Isaiah 30:18 NLT)

How did it go?

I remember one touch that took my breath away.

~~~

Phew!  It had been a rough few days.  And it seemed like I was having to ask the Lord for a touch of love not just once, but several times a day.

On one night in particular, I was a mess.  I had just left class due a panic attack and was headed home.  It was 9 p.m.  I usually started asking for touches of love as soon as I woke up.  And it wouldn’t take long to receive one.  But this late at night?  What could God do in only an hour … before I went to bed at 10 pm?

But I asked anyway … because I was desperate.  After the panic attack, I was physically exhausted.  And my heart was still hemorrhaging from the grief.

“God, I know it’s late, but can you touch me with your love … tonight, if possible?  I am really weak and low and need something from you.”

Then I drove home.

I got to my front door … and froze in my tracks.  What was that lying there?

A single, yellow rose.  And a small, handwritten note.

It was from Beth.  She was coming to a meeting in my part of town that morning, and drove to my house quite by accident.

She said, “For some reason, I drove to your house on autopilot.  Then, because I missed the meeting I was coming there for, I decided … spur of the moment … to go out and get you some flowers.  I wanted to buy a big bouquet for you, but none of them felt right.  So, I bought you just one little rose.”

She kinda felt stupid for doing that, and thought, “What difference can one small rose make to all Anita’s grief?”

Little did she know what an answer to prayer that rose was going to be!

I came into the house, took off my coat and gloves, and read her note.  And wept.  Because I had never experienced God like this before.

This kind of God wasn’t taught in my Sunday School class!  How is He so willing to come near to me and comfort me every time I ask?  And how can He answer my prayer … before I even pray it?

Yes, I have learned that God delights in giving me more than I ask for … or expect.

~~~

Later, I found out that the yellow rose has a special meaning.

“In contrast to the romantic meanings attributed to other roses, the yellow rose is purely a symbol for friendship. This gives it a unique place in the pantheon of roses. Yellow roses can send the perfect message of appreciation and platonic love without the romantic subtext of other colors. They can represent feelings of joy and delight, and are an ideal way to brighten someone’s day who may be feeling down. There is perhaps no other flower that is able to bring out a smile in quite the way that a yellow rose can.”  (proflowers.com/flowerguide)

Well, I was sure smiling about this rose.  And it definitely brightened my day.

That rose was so special, I decided to dry it so I could keep it forever.

Now, whenever I look at it, I am reminded of God’s touch of love to me that day.  And how He says, “I am your friend.  I delight in you and enjoy you.”

God is my friend?

What a concept.

~~~

Do you need the touch of a friend today?

God is near.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

And no hope of anything better after this life is over?

~~~

A friend described what she had been hearing lately.

“Just as I’m drifting off to sleep, I hear a snarl …

‘This is it.  This is all there is.
There’s nothing more.
Nothing that comes after this.’

I know it’s not true.  But what if it is?  I’m scared!  I don’t WANT this to be all there is!!”

~~~

One woman prayed, “Lord, show Tammy that nothing can separate her from your love.”

As she prayed that, I remembered one of my favorite scenes from The Sound of Music. 

You know when Maria and the children were putting on a puppet show for their dad?  And how they held the strings to each puppet way up above the stage? 

I saw that just like a puppeteer has strings attached to his creations … the Lord has strings attached to us.

Strings of love. 

There is a string of love attached to each part of us.  There isn’t even one small part that the Lord doesn’t love and care about.

~~~

So, no matter how dark it may be in your life
even when you can’t SEE the strings
and even when you can’t FEEL the strings

Those strings are still there.  Nothing can separate you from them.

Why?  Because NOTHING can separate you from His love!

Yes, His love is there.  For your life right now.  And for when your life is over.

All He has to do is make one little tug on those strings … and you’ll be pulled straight up … into His love forever.

~~~

Take courage, dear heart.

There IS hope for now and there IS hope for later.

Because you are loved.

No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.  (Romans 8:39 NLT)

Have you ever felt like you just couldn’t go on … unless He did something to touch you with love?

That’s how I felt one day when I asked God to touch me the first time.

~~~

Three months after Wes died, I still wanted to pray, ”How do I live without Wes?!”  But I knew better.

The Lord had already answered that prayer by saying, “Live with me.”  So, I knew I shouldn’t ask Him that anymore.

But I had to be honest, too.  I really didn’t want to live with God.  I wanted to live with Wes.

So, this is what I prayed instead…

“Lord, if I could choose, I would rather have Wes’ love than your love because I know how much Wes loved me!   If you want me to learn how to live with You … then I need to know how much YOU love me.”

And then I told Him how Wes would do something every day to love me.  Things like:

• look at me with love
• smile at me
• hug me
• kiss me
• touch me
• caress me
• talk to me
• listen to me
• take me to dinner
• fill up my gas tank
• wash my car
• get my oil changed

I followed up that list with, “God, can you do these kinds of things for me?  Can you do something  – every day – in a way that will let me KNOW you are loving on me?”

And then I went to class.

~~~

On the way there, a friend called and asked if I could come by her house after I was done because she had something for me. 

When I got there about Noon, she gave me a $100 gas card to Speedway!  She said she’d had it for 2 weeks and was glad to finally get it to me.

I was like, “What?!  You’ve had this for 2 weeks and just now remembered to get it to me?”

Some coincidence, don’t you think?

The very day I asked God to touch me with love in a way that Wes would, someone gives me a gas card?

Now, that IS something Wes would do for me – fill up my gas tank.

And that, my friends, was only the beginning.  That was just the first touch on the first day that I asked.

I have been asking for touches ever since.

Because those touches give me the courage to go on.

~~~

Do you need a touch of love today?

Ask … and ye shall receive.

Blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me.  (Psalm 31:21)

If you haven’t, you will. 

Yesterday, I promised to share with you what comes after the sunset and journey through the darkness. 

It is what I call the “Sunrise of What Will Be.”

This sunrise is just now beginning in my life.

~~~

This morning, I opened the living room blinds, plopped down in my favorite rocking chair, snuggled into my blankets and heating pad … and stared into the darkness.

As I sat there for an hour, I noticed something.  The sky gradually began to get lighter.  And I realized it was a poignant moment.  Because this is how the sunrise is coming up in my life, too.

Slowly.

~~~

It’s been a year and a half since the Lord showed me I was chasing the sunset and needed to let go of the life I had had with Wes.  That I needed to turn, walk into the darkness with Him, and be willing to accept a new sunrise in my life.

He is now preparing me for this sunrise.  By showing me these scriptures:

• The Lord is my sun.  Ps. 84:11
• The Lord is my light.  Ps. 27:1
• The Lord rises upon me and his glory appears over me.  Is. 60:2

Now, that may not sound like much to you.  But this concept has set me on fire.

Can you even imagine??? 

This is no ORDINARY sunrise!  Because Jesus Himself is the sun that will be rising up in my life!  And, once that sun rises, it will never set!

Jesus is taking the place of Wes in my life.  And, as good as Wes was, Jesus is better.

All the things I used to get from Wes, I am now getting from Jesus.  All that I used to enjoy in Wes, I am now enjoying in Jesus.  And much more besides.

As my sun, Jesus not only turns my darkness into light … He gives me life and nourishment, hope and direction.  I feel warmed and encouraged when I bask in his rays.  And I feel as fulfilled and happy in Him as I do on a sunny day.

Yes, I am walking into a new life.  Slowly.

But it is exciting.  What do I want to be?  What does the new Anita look like?  What can she accomplish?  I mean, if Jesus is my Sun, what can’t I accomplish?  With a Source like that, my potential must be unlimited.

Yes, I think I am going to enjoy this new life.

And I think Wes is proud of me.  For not letting his death be the end of my life, but the beginning of a new life.

It’s what he would want.  And it’s what I want.

~~~

Do you want a “Sunrise of What Will Be” in your life?

Start walking.

 Arise, shine; For your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.  Isaiah 60:1

Have you ever had to walk through a dark night?

Today, I will tell you about the day God told me to walk into the darkness.

~~~

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Wes’ sister, Aleatha, came to visit this weekend.  As her husband looked through my dictionary, he unexpectedly found some old photos we had placed in there.  One of them was of Wes at Casa Bonita  – our favorite Mexican restaurant in Denver.  I was only a few months pregnant with Rachel at the time.

That picture of Wes impacted me deeply.  It was one of my favorite times in our marriage.  We were so happy.  Wes was so beautiful – still lean and very handsome. 

After Blaine and Aleatha left, I did what Wes and I would have normally done – gone for a drive so we could talk.  It was a painful time.  I was missing Wes and trying to talk to God in his place.

As I drove, I looked at the sunset as much as I could, something I used to love to do while Wes was driving and we were talking.

I asked God to speak to me, but didn’t seem to hear anything. 

As I made the turn to start driving back home, I got a good look at the remnants of the sunset.  It was so calm and peaceful.  I didn’t want to stop looking at it.

I had to go home, but I didn’t want to.  It was just so … DARK!

I didn’t want to look at that darkness, let alone drive into it.  So, I kept turning my head around to look at what was left of the sunset.  I didn’t want it to end.

As I was doing this, it dawned on me that this is what I am doing with Wes.  I keep looking back at what was.  I keep looking at the last remnants of Wes in my life.  I don’t want it to end. 

I felt that God was speaking to me … through that sunset.

He was saying that this part of my life has set.  It is over.  He said that I need to stop looking at what was.  And be willing to walk into the darkness … toward a new sunrise.

He said my life with Wes is over … but my life is not yet over.

As the sunset fades away, the darkness is coming on.  But, at some point, there will be a sunrise again in my life.  And it will come faster … IF I am willing to walk towards it.

~~~

So, this was the prayer I prayed in response:

Lord, help me to accept the sunset.  Help me to face and walk through the darkness.  And help me to accept the sunrise.

Lord, I give you this pain of missing Wes.  Help me to endure it.  This goes along with the scripture I am memorizing:  Colossians 1:11 – his glorious power will make you patient and strong enough to endure anything, and you will be truly happy.

Lord, give me the patience and strength to endure this pain.  I look to you to make me truly happy.

~~~

Guess what comes after the sunset and the darkness?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

 You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light!  (2 Samuel 22:29 NIV)